Let Go

A friend of mine was recently fired from her job. Her employer did not provide a reason for her termination other than, “it is not working out”. A rather flat and meaningless explanation.

The next day she asked me if it would be alright if she emailed everyone at her former job to provide them with her contact information. As with most terminations you are escorted off of the premises and are not allowed to speak to anyone as you are leaving, so she did not get a chance to say goodbye to any of her coworkers.

My answer to her was yes it is alright but I would not recommend it. She is not breaking any laws by doing so and her intention on the surface seems legitimate. The reasons I have for not recommending that she look to contact her previous coworkers are simple.

1. As she put it, she wants to give her friends there her contact information. Well if they are your friend then they would already have your contact information. I like the way a former manager of mine looked at relationships when it came to inviting people to her wedding. Being established and marrying later in life she and her husband to be paid for their wedding. It was a small dinner wedding held at a local restaurant. I think they had about 75 people. Her rationale was, if I have not had dinner with you more than once in a years time then you really are not a friend of mine. This did not apply to friends who lived out of town. Makes perfectly good sense to me. We will break bread with people we want to be around. The more meals we share together the closer we are. Many people fail to realize that some relationships are contextual. They are born out of and exist only for the circumstances that brought us together. Outside of that there is no relationship. Work is a perfect example. Often the bonds, alliances, and camaraderie we create in the work place just does not extend outside of the job.
2. Contacting coworkers after you have been terminated is like trying to contact your ex’s friends after you break up. It is not a good look. Perhaps you did hit off with some of them and you felt a bond with them but your relationship with them too was contextual. Depending on how you and the ex ended things it is probably better just for you to let those people go along with the ex. It makes you look desperate and clingy to try to keep those relationships going. As I mentioned before if any of them were your friends now, they will be there. You want have to reach out to them because they are already in your circle.

There are times when our walking away is going to be forced. We are not always going to have the benefit of having the last word, getting a valid explanation or being able to wrap things up neatly. It is at these times when we need the strength and determination not to hang on to that which does not want us. Letting go is difficult. Once you do though, both hands are free to embrace a new opportunity.

Drambie® Survival Guide

When it comes to rain storms we quickly seek out dry shelter. On notice of an approaching snow storm we stock up on provisions and look to the comfort of our warm and dry homes. At the first sign of a thunder storm not only do we look to stay dry but we do our best to secure our safety from the lightening. Twisters will quickly send us underground. Hurricanes will cause us to literally batten down the hatches. Enviromental turmoil spurs us to action. It motivates us to take the necessary precautions to hopefully successfully ride out the inclement weather. Yet typically we do not act so judiciously when we see the signs of interpersonal turmoil. The tell tale indicators of the “Drama-cane” often are ignored until we find ourselves in the middle of a category 5 upheaval. Why is that? What is it about the trivial plights of others that draw us like moths to a light? The hum of discontent and the whir of chaos beckon some like a tribal rhythm. Their bodies sway and bounce to the chatter of nonsensical individuals. They begin to chant in the same incoherent manner as the troubled souls. As if drama were some strange virus that continues to mutate and infect. Those whose resistance is weak fall prey to it. They become drama zombies – Drambies®

Life is already dramatic enough. There is no need to increase the level of strife and unrest we may already experience. Our top priority is to manage our affairs well with the goal of creating as much as possible a drama free life. Truly be a master of your domain and let others view how successfully you attend to your life and that will be the greatest assistance that you can provide them. Mind you some will seek to pull you into their black hole of chaos and angst. You can feel them pulling and tugging on your energy and resources. Being around them is often taxing and is never a light affair. Just like a real black hole can bend light these people can bend your spirit. They will consume everything around them leaving nothing a void behind. Your only hope is to get as far away from them as you can. Leave them alone!

You may think this is being harsh and selfish. Well, it is selfish! Selfishness is natural. Selfishness is about self preservation. Think about it, preservation. This is the act of preserving. Preserve at it’s core really means; to maintain state. To keep something close to its current state. So if you have worked hard at getting your life in a relative state of balance and harmony, self-preservation would be the act of maintaining that state. Correct? Really, how selfish is that? How much effort was required on your part to get to that state? How much effort does it take to maintain that state? You see where I am heading with this? What others would perceive as being harsh and selfish is nothing more than our resolve to maintain or improve our state by not letting others cause unnecessary unbalance. We are being steadfast in our commitment to ourselves.

With that being said I must also point out that I did say our lives were in a “relative state of balance”. We are never perfectly balanced. Perfection is not a realistic goal. However what is realistic is to acknowledge that our lives will tip to either side of the scale. That our actions have a direct impact on how far to one side things will swing. The extent that we involve ourselves with others, which is inevitable, determines how much too either side of being balanced our lives will be or how fat to one side we will swing. We have no choice but to interact with others, and this interaction is good. What we need to determine is how we are going to manage those interactions. Our interaction with other people can be viewed as a flow of water through a faucet. With the faucet open all the way we allow everything that a person has to offer to come into our life. If you are very good at letting the flow pass through, down the drain, then go right ahead. However if you know you have some dishes in the sink, the drain is slow and the drain cover is blocked you might want to reconsider this approach and close the faucet to restrict the amount of water that is coming through. Restrict who comes into your life and how much of them you allow in. Take the time to clear your sink first! With the prevalence of zombie survival guides on the market I too shall offer some tips on how not to become a Drambie.

1. Learn to identify the signs of an approaching dramacane.

2. Understand what balance is as it relates to you and then determine how much unbalance you are willing to tolerate by virtue of your interaction with others

3. Realize that life is already dramatic. Taking on the chaotic energy of others reduces your natural vitality.

4. Managing your own life is your top priority. Getting your life in balance and maintaining that balance is the best example you could possibly set for someone else. Let that serve as a testimony and source of encouragement.

5. Drambies proliferate like frogs. A drambie does not stand alone. Rest assured that they will have other drambies attached to them and they will attach themselves to you.

6. If you must deal with a drambie learn to, as the fisherman say, “catch and release”. The drambie will throw something your way. Catch by acknowledging it but then immediately drop it. Do not hold on to it. Trying to solve, rectify, fix or otherwise getting involved only quickens the process of turning you into a drambie. Even better than the “catch and release” is the parry. Deflection limits your contact. You are literally steering the drama around you. Example of a good parry:

“I am sorry to hear that ______________ is happening to you. I have every confidence in you that you will find a way to work this out.”

Notice, you acknowledged the persons situation and you provided encouragement. Yet you did not commit yourself to resolving whatever the issue may be.

Of paramount importance to surviving the Drambies is building effective barriers. Appropriate defenses that we vigorously protect and maintain. In our next discussion we will examine building our Drambie shelter.